I’ve been having a hard time this winter. I’ve mentioned it in the sewing post, and I’m still enjoying having something creative to do. I’ve had a few unexpected and happy surprises show up on my doorstep the last few weeks. And that’s been awesome (thanks, Mom and friends). But my future is still looking like either a totally empty landscape, or more of the same frustration and stress we’ve been putting up with for the last year or two.
Last January, I started attending a regular Bible study with M. And while my initial interest was having something free and social for us to do each week, it really has enhanced my relationship with the Big Guy upstairs. There’s still a bit of room for improvement in the weekly mass attendance department, but at least I’ve made the time to pray each night, mostly with M, but sometimes it’s just me in the car on the way home from work.
And awhile back, I actually saw some of my prayers answered. And I have to admit, I was surprised. Such a simple act. I could do this. I could keep doing this. I wasn’t praying for anything huge– no one had been terminally ill and recovered, no wars ended, no imminent disasters averted. But little things had affected people that I knew and loved. I wondered, how might God respond to something bigger, with a direct impact on my own life?
I thought I saw an answer. A few months back, there was hope. There were signals. Coincidences I felt just might be something more. And maybe there were. But maybe there weren’t. And I just saw what I wanted to see. Because things have not been going according to plan. There have been setbacks, delays. And I’m losing steam, and while I’m still praying for answers, for assurance, I’m soliciting prayers from others to help lift up my own. Because going this long without seeing just something, even the tiniest hint of an answer, is starting to wear me down.
I keep praying. For my husband. For our family. And for me. That I won’t lose faith, remain patient, find peace in our situation and comfort in the fact that just because I can’t see the details, the gears turning, doesn’t mean they aren’t there, working for me, for us. It’s been difficult for me to humble myself in prayer, and I’m not sure what to do in the presence of so much silence in reply.