Thoughts for the Record

I miss my blog. I miss what I used to do here. I’m not sure I even remember much of what that was. I’ve been away. Neglectful. I’ve not only abandoned all of my seven readers, but my own connection to words.

And I’m not even doing anything super noteworthy. I’m doing the everyday things that people do. Raising a kid. Supporting a husband. Holding up a life that has somehow, miraculously managed not to cave in and crush me. Yet.

I am home. I am not home. I am agitated. I am lost in thought. I play t-ball in the living room. I down-fill walls of plastic baby products that people don’t realize they will survive without. My ship passes my husband’s nearly every night. Occasionally, we wash up on shore together, and occasionally, we’re not too exhausted to talk or to touch.

The last few months have not been easy ones. And the next ones may be a small improvement, but we are walking a fine balance, and it won’t take much to tip backwards again.

But as rough as it is, as it always is when the big dollar sign is flashing neon red warning lights, I have honestly been in a pretty good mood. Almost light.

I have been such a proud mama. My son is enthusiastic and respectful and kind. He has his moments, he’s almost two, after all, but he is just really fun to be around. He has started to lead the way in our play. He directs me now instead of the other way around. And it’s great to watch his mind at work.

I have been such a proud wife. James has really been trying hard to step up his game at his current job and also working to put himself into a better situation. We still don’t know where he’ll find himself over the next few months, but he’s setting one foot down in front of the other, and that’s important.

I have a lot of stuff I’ve been thinking about. Poetry. Art. Breastfeeding. Weaning. Swine flu. Chemistry. Health care. Friendship. My little sister getting married. Vacations. Birthdays. There’s a lot on the plate. I float around among all this stuff and more. I don’t have the time to focus on any one thing for long. So my plan is to try to land on this space a little more often than I have been lately. To work through good and bad and neutral ideas and thoughts and feelings. To return more fully to a place of language. Of creativity. Of good or bad or I-don’t-care writing. To do something that grounds me. And share it with my seven readers. And keep it for myself.

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