I haven’t been much for holidays lately. And it’s not just because I’m broke and lazy. It’s really because I have no friends.
Now, I know that’s not entirely true. But on holidays when everyone has someplace to be, someone with whom to share in the consumption of beer and grilled animal flesh, it can get kind of lonely in a small condo with a single other person, who doesn’t yet speak much English.farm.
James and I are now cramming nine shifts of working into seven days. Holidays included. We have few mutual friends. We have only this little family of three that we’ve set up here in this place, no cousins, grandparents, siblings, in-laws or even stand-ins for any of the above nearby.
I try really hard not to think about how much fun everyone else is having on their day-trips to the beach, their barbecues, their homes being taken over by relatives and friends. I don’t focus on all the noise and laughter and chaos I’m not hearing. Someplace to be. Other kids around to play with my boy. Fireworks. Celebrations. But yeah. It all crosses my mind at some point.
I say out loud, “I have no friends,” like a joke. Ha ha. See how lonely I am? It’s no big deal. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a loser, so let’s just have a little laugh about it, and you can go on telling me all about the time you spent with the people you love.
I feel pathetic. I know I have friends. The problem is that I can’t spend time with most of them due to distance or other circumstances. And the time I do spend just isn’t enough. Social gatherings are too few. Too far between.
I actually did have a pretty good holiday weekend. I gave each of my boys a haircut. James and I watched a ridiculous movie while M napped. And after James went to work and M woke up, we took a nice walk to the pool and splashed around. We talked a little bit with a grandmother there with her two granddaughters, but her enunciation left something to be desired, so I couldn’t always make complete sense of her commentary. Nonetheless, the conversation was welcome. M enjoyed himself, and we came home and cooked fried rice. When James got home just before 1:00am, we had some quality time together.
So it really wasn’t a super depressing day all day long. But there were definitely those moments when I couldn’t help feeling the absence.