I’ve been socked in the head with both the inspiration and the will to follow it. I’ve resumed work on the book. The drawing. The art stuff. But what’s more, I’m in the process of tackling household organization. And this is the part that I hope will last a bit.
With art, I know that I’ll always come back to it. It’s grounding. A touchstone. Makes me feel better. Feel like myself. Like I’m saying something truer than when I just type or scratch in words alone. The book will always be there. The pens, pencils and other tools, too.
Where the cleaning and organizing is coming from, though, is a different place. It’s from me sitting down and taking a hard look at my life right now, and knowing that it’s not doing as much as it could be. My life is clogged and cluttered, and even though I don’t think I’d recognize it any other way, I’ve decided that now is a good time to at least make an effort and some choices. To shed some skin.
It is very hard for me to throw things away. Because someday I might need these things. The thing is, someday for most things hasn’t come yet. So I’m shifting my thinking on things like this. I’m trying to turn the voices off. The ones that say I could put a thing to this or that use, when I know that I never will actually come close to approaching the skill level that would allow me to use the thing in this or that way. I’m befriending my trash cans. I’m stashing bags and boxes of objects to sell or donate. I’m realizing that we might have a table or two too many and thinking that the time might have come to part ways. I am shredding extra copies of old poems. I am trashing class notes that read like bad poetry themselves, not having any frame of reference left for what they might have once helped me to understand. I am unpacking and repacking closets looking for more space to breathe.
I realize that my life might always look a little cluttered. I am an artist, after all, and my brain seems to operate better with a little chaos mixed in. But the operative word there now is “little.” I’m sick of the lot. I’m tired of feeling like the space we’re living in is not enough. Because it could be. I really think it could be. And I’m hoping I can make it so.