Lost

Here we are. November again. And what is it about the fall that brings the melancholy to color my days? I’m fairly confident, though I haven’t actually checked myself, that if you go back in my archives to previous Novembers, you’ll find the same sort of melodramatic sighing, complete with back of the wrist limply flung against my forehead, that I’m about to subject you to again now.

This time, I’m sorting out my thoughts because I’m reaching another breaking point. To say that the situation is less than ideal at the moment is probably somewhat of an understatement.  Yet all is not completely lost. There are surely bright spots. M walks around and laughs and flirts. He hugs now and offers kisses often without any prompting at all. It warms my heart, which is especially nice on days I feel like this.

It’s tough to express just how it is I’m feeling because this is one of those times where I don’t want an answer. I don’t need a solution today or even tomorrow. I just want to open up the dialogue and be listened to. I’m not trying to lay any guilt trips or make anyone, namely James, feel bad (or worse). All I want to do is release some of this pressure I’m feeling. To say that something needs to change. Something needs to happen. But I need some help figuring out just what. To know that I’m not as helpless as it seems.

I have been telling myself for a long time that our situation is temporary. That we’re bound to have a change of luck, some good news, one of these days. And in the past year, I’ve found myself clinging to this mantra so tightly it’s started to crack. It’s only temporary. This intense isolation, this aloneness, night shifts, seven-day-a-week jobligations. Temporary. A rocky place we just have to get through. But lately, the thoughts have been creeping in that maybe this is it. Maybe this is our life in all it’s maddening sub-mediocrity. And I’m not really okay with that if it’s true. So how long do you wait for something before everything finally breaks?

In other words, even though since I’ve become a mother I’ve found more patience in my depths than I ever thought possible, I’m getting to the end of my reserve when it comes to certain aspects of our current situation. I’m not asking for much. To see my husband every once in awhile. To have a little more balance. A life that makes me proud to call it my own. I’m not sure about all the details in this picture. Which is why I’m wandering around a little lost right now, but I’m hoping that with some cooperation and perhaps a little divine intervention, we can start piecing it together really, really soon.

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