More Letters to Stuff

Dear Ford Escort:

Part of the reason that your parking brake exists is to prevent the car from moving while said brake is engaged. If you give the driver absolutely no physical indication (on an extremely sunny day when the dashboard warning lights have zero shadow in which to glow) that the brake is still on as she drives away from the dentist with all focus on de-numbing the right side of her mouth, she will not realize until she has driven about halfway back to pick up the baby that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BRAKES.

Once I got used to the feel of your predecessor, the Toyota lawnmower, it was easy to tell when I had forgotten to release the parking brake as I attempted to move. You, however, did not even act the least bit hesitant as I pulled out of my parking space and drove numbly on my way. You seem to be doing fine, but I’m watching you. We just treated you to some new brake equipment a few short months ago. So what’s your grudge? Is the gargantuan stroller in your trunk really that uncomfortable?

Sincerely,
The Primary Driver


Dear Dishes:

When are you going to learn how to bathe yourselves?

Sincerely,
Dishpan Hands


Dear I-95:

I love your HOV feature, especially when I’m running up to the old hood during mid-day, when they are often “Open to All Traffic.” Which translates to me as, “hop right on and make it to your date on time because the baby actually kept sleeping and delayed departure time again.” Because for some reason, even in the middle of most week day afternoons, the regular traffic lanes are full of, well, traffic. Often, but not always, a result of construction and lane closures.

Anyway, I enjoy using the express lanes on an almost daily basis lately. However, this morning, you went and did the unthinkable: the usual two HOV lanes had to merge down to one due to more construction. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if not for the fact that both the northbound and southbound regular lanes were also down a lane or two due to the construction I’d been attempting to avoid.

So come on. Pick a lane and work on it. Then do the next one. Or, if you must, at least give a driver a little warning. Like maybe before she’s stuck in the thick of it and driving by the closed lanes and their construction signs flashing, “Lane Closed – Expect Delays.” Um, yeah, thanks. If I’d expected delays, I would have avoided your freeway altogether.

Sincerely,
Cranky Baby Mama


Dear Midwest Airlines:

What happened to my “Best Care in the Air?” I want my low fares and direct flights back. I’d rather fly in your large comfy seats with your warm chocolate chip cookies than hop another airline’s cramped clunk-bucket plane which will make me sit a few hours in Detroit or Columbus. But if you’re going to play me like this, I really have no choice, do I?

Did Northwest buy you just to anger your loyal customers, drive them into the loving embrace of… hmm, who’s the carrier of the next best flight and fare to my destination, could it be Northwest? and drive you right out of business? I’m suspicious. And I’d like to come back, really I would, but why should I when you don’t seem to care at all how much you’ve upset me.

Sincerely,
Midwest Miles Customer #XXXXXX


Dear Thrift Store:

You have a lot of neat old junk for sale. And the Goodwill store used to be one of my favorite places to hang. But when I actually have a need to be thrifty, your mile-long clothing racks arranged by color and florescent lighting just make me kind of depressed. Especially since I don’t have the same amount of leisure time I used to have that would allow me to dig for the gems. The baby in the sling makes sure I’m aware how bored he is with this row of red shirts.

But fear not, I will return. For I know that future bargains await me if I only give you a chance. To be honest, I have no idea why it’s been so long since I’ve last gone a-thrifting.

Until we meet again,
Mrs. Penny Pincher

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One thought on “More Letters to Stuff

  1. mom says:

    I totally love your “Dear —” blogs!! They make me LOL (out loud!!)

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