Dear Size Ten,
I miss you. I want you back. Please don’t tell me it’s over. Don’t say you’re gone for good. I promise I’ll do what it takes to prove myself worthy again.
Dear Palmer’s Cocoa Butter for Stretch Marks,
Stretch marks are not ugly, and I think when you use that word, you make women feel bad for how their bodies change when they have babies. And you know what? Those creams don’t really do anything to prevent them, and anyone who gives a testimonial for you probably just didn’t have the predisposition for stretch marks in their DNA. By telling us that a “beautiful” pregnancy is one without marks, you are part of the problem, not the solution like you might have us believe.
A Beautiful Striped Mama
Dear Washing Machine,
I’m sorry for continuing to use you even when you began to complain. Your spin cycle was obviously trying to tell us something, and I was too wrapped up in my own need for clean diapers to listen. We will try to save you, but please understand that we may have to replace you if your damage is too severe to justify the cost of repair.
I don’t understand how you can stink more than a pail full of soiled cloth, but you do. Also, you have shattered the illusion that my son actually has any sort of butt. I think it’s throwing us all a little off balance. Although I am glad that you were free from the hospital and that my boy happens to be such a peanut at five months old that he still fits those size ones. Of course, I am looking forward to discontinuing our relationship because when someone forgets trash day and you have to hang around for another half a week, well, let’s just say I guess I understand why those scented diaper pail bags are so popular with the mommies that come into my store.
The Primary Poop Wrangler
I know that Daddy is no mommy, but I hardly believe that my absence yesterday warranted the quart of vomit you spewed all over me, the poop that found its way to my pajama pants, and the second quart of vomit that followed the pooping. I realize you were excited to see me, but there are other ways to show your affection than showering me quite literally with your bodily fluids. You’re lucky I was so happy to see you, too, that I found it more funny than anything and didn’t even mind as much as I probably should have. I was just glad that it was an overeating/overexcited thing and not an illness.
Your One and Only Mommy