Mere Distraction

So my rejuvenation lasted all of a day and a half, which frankly, is a day longer than I expected. I’m back to feeling lost. Isolated. And it didn’t help that I was basically thrown into a few days of nearly single parenthood. The first day was fine. The next, not so much.

Today my body is tired. My headache won’t go away even after a second dose of Tylenol. The baby is only calm when he’s strapped close to me and I’m walking around. I want to make an effort to get the house presentable for a guest, but it’s pretty impossible when you can barely think straight. I have also been peed on twice.

If I get up early enough tomorrow, which if the boy’s previous record holds is extremely likely, I’ll be able to get the rest of my domestic duties completed. The husband will be available for baby-wrangling duties in the morning, but I have an interview at 11:00 and as soon as I’m back from that, he’s off to work for the rest of the day. I have no idea when our guest will get here, but I hope that it is early and that he likes entertaining babies.

The thing is, this is all distraction. As fun as it was and as good as it felt to be back with my folks for awhile, it really didn’t take long to get me back to the sleepwalking crankypants who left. Everything is still hard, and I still feel distant and burdened. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be the same story when Greg drives off after his visit. Fond memories for draining days.

I’m trying to wait it out. To be tough and strong. To fake it ’til I make it, basically. But every morning I want to roll over and go back to sleep. Every nap and night I feel like a failure when I resort to bad habits because they’re all that works, and I don’t have a plan. I know that this won’t last, but even that thought makes me sad because I love these pure moments of his babyhood, and I hate to see them go. Everyone is always telling me, “they grow up so fast,” like they think I don’t know. Like I’m stuck in a time loop a la Groundhog Day. And even though it does sometimes feel like I’m living the same god-forsaken day over and over again, I am aware that the time is passing. I see the date on the calendar. I see the numbers on the clock. There’s nothing we can do about it, so I’d really like to just find some joy here. Before I blink and miss everything good.

Bottom line is that as much as putting these words out there is going to make my sister worry about me, writing it out helps me pin down the problem, and pinning down the problem helps get me closer to a solution. So don’t worry, I’m making a call tomorrow to seek out some solutions, and then we’ll go back to talking about my pants or whatever.

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