I always mean to write more when I am away from home. I always mean to, but I don’t really follow through. I get caught up in the day-to-day plan making and living of life. Leaving me to reflect back on my journeys after the fact. After the suitcases are unpacked and I find myself living days as though I’d never left.
I have to admit that I am rejuvenated from my ten-day stay in Milwaukee. I have said to my son a number of times that I won’t mind if he doesn’t want to try the same things I want to try today. Like take a nap or two in the crib. I got lucky. I got one. Almost an hour. I think it helps not minding what the outcome is. Not minding if it takes too long and I end up returning to the old habits. As long as I keep trying. Tomorrow, we might do even better. But we might not. And it will be alright.
Last week was good. I relaxed. I saw friends. I am as amazed as they are that I brought a baby with me. I’m excited for them. For all that they have going on that’s good in their lives. Rob’s getting married. Sean is [DELETED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES] and looking forward to better things in his future. Dana and Jason are on the very edge of becoming parents themselves, if it hasn’t happened already. People are happy. Things are good. And even the non-newsworthy conversations felt good. Made me glad. Just to be there. Near the people who know me. Who have shared so much with me.
At lunch on Thursday, the conversation drifted to location. The question was asked if we might ever return to the land of beer and cheese. And we talked about how hard it is to go it alone. Even alone together with someone. It’s really hard. And I mean really to the 27th power. And I can’t say that we haven’t talked about moving back. Though mostly, it’s been how it’s not the right time. There’s still hope out here for James to be what he’s always wanted to be. And I’m not sure how moving back could not feel like admitting defeat. Like failure. Even if it eventually becomes the right choice.
I think my favorite times of the last week were the ones where I was able to take off the “mom” hat for awhile. Like lunch with Sean and Rob. Visiting with Dana. Seeing a movie with my mom. My massage. I could almost remember my self. Of course, close seconds for best moments included dinners with my whole family, visitors, sushi with friends to show of my son, cards and custard and a car-ride with the in-laws, and waking up every morning with the baby all to myself. And even though most mornings I would hand him off to my mom and go catch another couple hours of sleep for me, his smile as the daylight was just starting to brighten our room lifted me. I look forward to mornings because of that smile. It’s one that I will probably never capture on film, so I’ll have to just remember. Like so many other fleeting moments.
I want to thank my parents for the plane ticket. I want to thank them a thousand times and more. It’s so good to know that even if it takes a couple hours and a few hundred dollars, I have somewhere to run to if I ever feel the need.