I’m starting to get nervous about the labor and birth. So I’m trying to practice what I’ve learned so far, knowing that I just don’t know what this experience is going to be like, but having faith that I can do it anyway, and do it well.
I still don’t think I’m nervous about the pain. It’s other stuff. The details. When to call the midwife. When to go to the hospital. Driving there. Checking in. Getting checked. Being watched. How many people will be hovering around me? Will I notice? Will I care? Will the photos turn out? Will I want them to? What kind of sounds will I make? Will I be able to relax and laugh and release all this anxiety once the moment comes? Will James stay calm? Because if he starts freaking out, I’m probably screwed.
Until now, I haven’t really given much thought to these details. I’ve tried to imagine my ideal birth, and the only people I see around me in that picture are my husband and my baby. So I’m trying to focus on the fact that no matter who else is in the room, watching or speaking or trying to take my focus or control, it ultimately comes down to myself, my husband, my baby. So I’m directing my energy to the most positive images I can, trying to breathe out the fear, the nerves, the anxiety. Because if I don’t, or if I can’t, I’m not going to have the easy birth that I’ve been promising myself for as long as I can remember.
Watching birth videos helps. But not the scary ones. Not the screaming ones. The calm ones. The laughing ones. I’m telling James what I need from him, trying to make sure that at least we are on the same page. Knowing that he will follow my lead is comforting. Knowing that he will be there to lean on, to hold my hand and cheer me on, that he has confidence in my body’s and my mind’s ability to bring our child into the world, it’s an amazing feeling. And his support will surely help dissipate any lingering or limiting issues in my head. I hope.