I’ve always stood firmly by my position that even though a blog gives its reader/visitor/voyeur a fairly intimate glance into the heart and mind of its writer, there is still no way for said writer to accurately depict all aspects of her life or her personal thought process.
That said, I use this blog as I would a diary. It’s a way for me to retain memories that sometimes get lost in the scuffle of living. Some added bonuses include the lack of shelf space a blog takes up in my home, being stored as it is in cyberspace, the fact that old friends and new have found me here and sometimes say hello, that my far-away family gets a deeper sense of who I am, what I’m doing and where I’m going, among other things.
Keeping in mind that my words are out here on the Internet for anyone to see, I tend to occasionally omit certain details or keep certain elements in the private realm, for my eyes only. I also try my best not to write anything about anyone online that I wouldn’t or haven’t said to them directly. Sometimes, I don’t do as well at that as I should, but thankfully, I haven’t damaged any relationships because of this blog. In fact, some have even grown closer because of what I do here.
My husband sometimes reads this blog. I like that he does, though in the past, when he didn’t, I have used this outlet to vent a little bit about something between us. But even then, shortly after I got whatever it was out of my system and calmed myself, I always went to him directly. If James stumbles across a blog entry of mine that includes troubling or confusing thoughts, thoughts he might not remember me expressing to him, he asks me. When he asks me, I do my best to try and clarify. Same goes for anyone else.
The point is, I usually write when there is something in my brain that needs working out. If something isn’t sitting quite right or if there are a lot of things going on that need to be sorted and dealt with, I find myself typing here. My words might not always portray exactly what I’m feeling or thinking with unquestionable accuracy, but they help me find some clarity. I don’t want my words to hurt anyone, so I try to choose them carefully, especially when writing about very personal matters or things that involve people that I love. But though I often come here to work through some brief moments of confusion or difficulty, I also try to balance that by writing when good things are happening, too, so that I remember all the fuzzy feelings along with all the other stuff. I know that I sometimes get a little sappy or sentimental, but I’ve accepted that. And I’m okay with it because those warm feelings are more valuable and more abundant than the passing feelings of doubt or confusion so often expressed here. Sometimes I blurt my doubt and confusion in a way that can lead people like husbands to think the worst of a situation. But it’s probably always good to keep in mind that this isn’t the whole picture, and it never will be. And most of the little negatives are so very little compared to the rest of our lives. And that if something really major comes along, this blog certainly won’t be the first place the husband hears about it.