Freaking Out

The body is actually really starting to change, now. People are noticing. People who know me but didn’t know the news are asking. I even had a couple of people I just met ask me how far along I am. I am feeling movement every day, especially if I have a few quiet moments of digestion. The room that has served as an over-sized closet filled with unknown or rarely used boxes since the move is now almost completely cleared out and ready for some new furniture. I have narrowed down my choices for a childbirth class, and will probably sign us up next week. The list is going check, check, check.

It seems like the first half of this pregnancy has gone by in a blink. We have to start making some real decisions soon. And they are not easy ones. There are big things to think about, and a thousand little things. But really, none of those things in and of themselves worry me.

I am not afraid of giving birth. I’m not really afraid of much about this whole experience anymore. I am excited and looking forward to meeting this little person who nudges me in that special way when my bladder is full. It’s hard to describe the thoughts and feelings that go on in my head. It’s hard to define this experience of mine, common to so many women but unique to each and every one.

I love that I have a partner with me through this. I consider myself extremely lucky. There are so many parents who go it alone, and I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. But ultimately, James’ experience of this pregnancy can’t ever approach the level of involvement that I have, by nature. I don’t resent it. Even when there’s a good glass of wine involved. But it can be isolating in a different way than the isolation I have mentioned feeling because we are not nearby enough to be going through this with family and close friends. The relationship with the husband already seems changed. I don’t want to say there is distance, because there is not. But there has been a shift in focus, a change in the family dynamic. I am glad that we had a strong foundation in our relationship and in our marriage before this pregnancy. Because these feelings I’m noticing or experiencing are small things. Whatever distance or shift I’m trying to articulate here is a tiny one. It might, in fact, be completely in my head.

The other night, James said to me that he was freaking out. He didn’t mention anything in particular, and maybe his trepidation is as vague as what I’m feeling. But just the fact that he said it, and we talked about it, drew us closer in those moments. I know that we will be okay, and this kid is not going to have to worry about anything. Even though our freaking out is likely to continue on for years and years and years.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s