Attention

Outside of certain situations, I don’t know if I’ve ever never really paid much attention to my body. You know, unless something is off somehow–I’m too hot, shivering, stubbed my toe, sore throat, etc. But on a daily basis, I move through life with relative confidence and ease. I have a pretty good idea about what I’ll see if I look in a mirror, I know how my clothes will fit before picking out an outfit in the morning, etc.

These days, it’s a little bit different. My senses are heightened, but not just smell and taste. I have really plugged into every little thing that’s going on with my body. And maybe I was subconsciously plugged in before, but everything feels like a question, lately. Like if there is pain, it is a pain that must be interpreted, is it gas? is it hunger? is it something else? If there is blood, I have to ask myself why there might be blood. It’s not just cycles now–blood could mean something. Though it probably doesn’t. If I am cold, am I sick or is it hormones? My wardrobe choices have narrowed over the last couple of weeks, which means I have all of three pairs of pants and a skirt or two to choose from in the morning. I get caught up in staring at my naked reflection before getting in the shower or going to bed because it might have changed, though it’s subtle and hard to notice, since it’s happening gradually so far.

I have surprised myself with how calm I mostly am with regard to the whole pregnancy thing. Even a little bit of blood doesn’t worry me much, since there is no pain and I have had a pretty good idea about the cause. I am beginning to feel less tired in the evenings, and my skin seems to be evening out somewhat (knock on wood). I am still spending a good portion of my days with food in easy reach, and I don’t think that will slow down anytime soon. But over all, this experience is treating me well so far. We are happy and excited, and right now, I’m really looking forward to feeling that first little twitch of baby movement. And I think that since so much attention has been paid to all the other goings on in this body, I will be able to identify that new sensation as something amazing.

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