For the most part, I have had this great feeling of excitement and elation about the fact that I’m pregnant. But then sometimes, there are those scary feelings. I’m not worried about money, really. I figure that we’ve managed to support our own comfortable lifestyles for several years without incident, so adding the expense of a baby, while potentially intimidating, will not be impossible.
Here is what I’m scared of, in no particular order:
- Miscarriage. Still, a little bit, anyway. But that fear fades a little more with each passing day, and I know that my actions have little to do with this potential sad turn of events.
- Labor. And I know I’m not alone in this. Anyway, I’m pretty sure, even at only six weeks along, that I want a natural birth. No drugs. I wonder if I’m expecting too much of myself and if maybe I’m in for a big letdown when the time actually comes.
- Aloneness. I really feel isolated lately. None of my friends have had kids yet, and my family is very far away. I have trouble meeting new people, and as much as I look forward to connecting with other pregnant ladies and mothers as I attend various classes and begin to show, I feel awkward and shy about reaching out.
- Showing. When that test first turned positive, I was so excited to get my baby belly. I wanted it RIGHT NOW! Well, the more I scrutinize my shape in the mirror, the more fearful I get that it won’t look good on me. I’m sure this is silliness, because the other day James said to me, “You’re going to look so hot in your elastic maternity pants.” He’s awesome like that. But I have moments of fear that I’ll be more embarrassed than proud to show off my belly when it gets here.
- Telling my boss. I really like my job. It’s easy and laid back, and I really feel like I’m necessary. I don’t want to leave the Chamber in the lurch, but I don’t know if I’m going to come back to work after this baby comes, at least if I can figure out how to afford not coming back to work full-time once this baby comes. Maybe part-time. But I don’t know what will happen. Eight months can change a lot.
- Everything else. Will my relationship with my husband suffer? Will I be able to breastfeed? How will my relationships with friends and family change? Will my kid have a good relationship with the grandparents and the rest of the immediate and distant family? Will I like being a mom? What kind of mom will I be? Will my baby love me? And bigger things like, how will the world be when this and any future children grow up?
But like I said, most of the time, I’m very excited and extraordinarily happy participating in this creation of life. But those worries, sometimes they surface. So I just keep breathing. And I do what I can to express and calm these fears.