Surrender

Right now, the womb is the most silent.

I have a scream in my head. I have a prayer going up at least once per hour. I have sleepy eyes and an active and vocal digestive system. Beyond drinking a lot of water, making sure I eat when I am hungry and sleep if I can when those eyes of mine just need a few minutes closed, there is not a lot to do but wait.

I focus my energy and direct my choices to the creation process happening within me. But I am more in the dark than the small one inside. I can read the books and see the pictures of development, but it doesn’t always connect to what’s happening here. With me.

I torture myself with statistics, with the experiences of friends and family, the facts and the dreaded M-word. I know that mine is not an active participation. Or rather, my actions can only go so far. Do so much. I worry, but I tell myself not to worry. This is out of my hands, and I must surrender. But how?

Praying, even just a little please, helps ease my mind. Some of the statistics even help, since the odds are still good, even if…

Surrender, the word, becomes my mantra. I say, surrender. To God. To my body. To the creative forces of biology at work. To the magical logic of science. Surrender. Breathe. Surrender. What is meant, will happen. I breathe.

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