Dear James,

I’m not sure, but I think I see a faint blue line perpendicular to the other. It makes a plus sign. Which indicates that we’re going to be parents. For awhile there, I was pretty sure that I’d just start bleeding this weekend and we’d have a lot more humping to do when I stopped. I felt a little moody on Valentine’s Day, and the whole car-getting-stuck-on-the-mountain-of-ice thing didn’t help matters. I attributed it to PMS and appreciated the chocolates. But the shrimp didn’t taste quite right. And you know what else? I’ve been hungry every few hours lately, too. And the boobs. Well, they kind of ache like a muscle does after you get done at the gym. Not that I really remember that feeling very well, since I haven’t been to the gym in quite some time, but you get the picture. It’s a symptom. So is a runny nose. Which has also happened.

I actually didn’t really feel like my usual menstrual self after the halfway point in my cycle this time. And I want to tell you something else that I’ve been keeping inside in case it was all in my head. I think I know exactly when it happened. It was Thursday, and the sex was amazing, and afterwards, as I had my legs hooked over yours and we held each other, I felt something shimmer. It wasn’t like a cold shiver, or a tremble, shimmer is the best word. Like something shimmering all along my body. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And I know that it’s impossible to really pinpoint when or how these things happen, but that’s how I felt. Of course, I didn’t dwell on it because it’s a little bit crazy in a certain way. So I went on with life, as you did, and the next week, the following Wednesday, I was in Borders eating dinner and reading a book when I felt something else. Something indescribable. Something that made me say to myself, “There it is.” So that I would remember the day and the moment. It wasn’t really a cramp, but it was distinct.

I don’t really feel pregnant. But I also don’t know how pregnant feels. I wanted to wait for you like last time we tested, but I also wanted to surprise you. So I tested when you went to work and decided I’d surprise you if it came out positive, and if it came out negative, well, then I would go on waiting for my period and living my life with you. I’ll test again tomorrow, with you, because the line may be darker, then, and you might not believe me in the haze of 2 a.m. when you get back from work. I love you. Thanks for knocking me up. 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s