Control

I’ve spent so many years of my sexual maturity trying not to get pregnant. That would be the absolute worst consequence of making love. So bad, in fact, that my first lover and I did everything but. So bad that rubbers and artificial hormones were welcome friends in the bedroom for years. All my plans thus far have involved avoiding parenthood.

Now a married woman, my husband and I are planning for a future with children. And truthfully, this completely blows my mind. Suddenly, there are no more hormones in my body than what my body produces on its own, and the condoms lie quietly undisturbed in the drawer of the nightstand. I get a period and wonder what happened to the old relief. Instead, I find myself ambivalent, somewhat relieved because this means an extra month to get some more things in order in our lives, but also disappointed because… well, how could it not happen? Of all the people I know with children, the number of planned children in the mix is surprisingly few. So, emotionally I feel like now that I am ready, it should just happen, since there’s nothing stopping it from happening anymore, even though logically I know that even if the timing is right, there is still only a 25% chance of conception in any given cycle.

I find it baffling how the balance has shifted in such a seemingly short span of time. Our lives have gone mostly according to plan to this point, with the exception of James’ job situation, but planning a baby is something quite new, because it’s really not something that can ever really be planned. And once a test turns positive, that’s only the beginning of a new plan, a plan that will change thousands and thousands of times over the rest of our lives. And it’s too much to focus on when all you want is one missed period, two blue lines, but maybe that’s why all we focus on in this trying business is the ovulation, the conception, peeing on a stick. The rest is just to much to think about all at once. So we’ll take it slow, enjoy each other in the bedroom and outside of it, until something happens in my body that will alter everything, even if it doesn’t alter anything much.

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