Digging

So I’ve been going through the boxes of stuff that have been sitting there in the extra bedroom. Earlier today, I was thinking about how I might write tonight about how much I look forward to the weekend only to be left alone and not know what to do with myself. I came close to going out this afternoon. I had some ideas. I even put on socks. But ultimately, I made myself do the home chores that I knew needed doing. It’s cold.

As I was digging through a number of boxes filled with old letters, notes, and poems, I realized that if I’m any sort of decent poet now, it must be because I was such a bad poet in high school. But looking back on all the other stuff I found in various boxes, I also noticed that there was a period of time where I was kind of an asshole. I was cruel, however unintentionally, and made people pick sides. I don’t remember being hurtful, but whatever mistakes I made, I like to think I learned from them.

I used to be so sentimental. Now, I’m going through boxes of my personal history and throwing away things that I have held onto for years, even though looking at these objects now inspires no emotion or recollection as to why it’s been tucked away in a box of what I have considered significant memories. I was thinking that these days, I tend to focus not so much on memory and what’s past, but on whatever happens to be coming up over the horizon. I am much more in the moment than I used to be, and I am much less oblivious when it comes to the people in my life. I’m glad that more than a decade has bridged whatever gaps I managed to put between myself and friends, and I am glad that I have the exciting life that I do at this moment and its potential for the coming year.

Of course, I am still sentimental. Part of the reason I still write is so I can capture the memories of my life as they happen. It’s just this way, the clutter stays contained on the internet and not piled up in a closet somewhere, in boxes that become heavy to move.

The oddest thing about today was it was one of those days where I forgot to eat. Usually that happens when I’m engaged in a creative endeavor, and it hasn’t happened to me for a long time. So, now that I’ve remembered that I should probably be hungry, I think I’ll go have some dinner.

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