He hasn’t had in interview or even a telephone call about anything. But I can’t get it out of my head that my husband will probably be leaving me for at least a year in the near future. Part of me just wants it to happen. Like, now. Pull the trigger, already, right? Actually, it’s a pretty big part, because the longer he hangs around here, the longer he is depressed and miserable, and all we’re doing is sitting around hoping and praying that he finds a job to get him out of the one he hates.
When I think about it seriously, though, my thoughts ultimately come to rest on myself. I have to wonder what it will be like here without him. I get nervous.
I often find it difficult to go places by myself. Movies are fine. Grocery store, bank, post office, sure. Work, school–usually fine. Yesterday, though, I wanted to do some shopping because James’ birthday is tomorrow and my original gift idea fell through. I was going to go down to King Street and take a look around for some ideas. But as I drove home from work, I just couldn’t bring myself to drive that way. So I went over to Best Buy, near my house, and then to Borders, also close to home. At Best Buy, I just felt so lost. I couldn’t wrap my head around this shopping, this gift that I had no idea about. At Borders, I was glad to see some familiar faces, but I still felt somewhat lost. Lost is really the only word for when I get myself in situations like that. Emotionally, I mean. The closest technical terminology I can find seems to be “agoraphobia,” which is not actually a fear of “open spaces” as much as a fear of public places. It’s not a problem if I’m not by myself.
This is not the first time that I’ve felt like this. It happens more often than I’d like to admit. I don’t get panic attacks or anything, I just feel very vulnerable for no particular reason. Knowing me, if you do, or hanging out with me in any type of social situation where I’m comfortable, you would probably never ever guess this about me. And I work really hard to keep it that way. But with James’ potential departure to a far away land, I get worried about being alone. This anxiety is by no means crippling, nor is it anything I can’t overcome on a day-to-day basis. I imagine it might get worse without someone to come home to and lean on, but hopefully with friends around, it won’t get too bad. Of course, add to this the amount I’ll be worrying about my husband, and you never know.