Okay, so after having a quick meeting this evening with the other two of the current triumvirate , I feel better. Turns out, we all just have those things that we do that are not always the most perfect things to do in a given situation. I feel better.
It turns out that someone out there thinks I know more than I think I know about literature and poetry and other smart things. That makes me feel good, too. I have trouble believing in the knowledge that gets lost up there in my brain after it’s absorbed. In this MFA program, especially, I often feel like I am playing catch-up, and not even doing a very good job at it either. I feel like all of these other poets know so much more about poetry and are so much more well-read than yours truly, and it’s just nice to feel like I’m not as much of a dunce as I think I am.
I have a hard time reading poetry. I know, not the best thing to admit when you’re a poet or something, right? But really, I try to read poetry, I want to read as much of the Great Literature as I can, the cannon, the classics, the old white guys that everyone should be all too familiar with. But when it comes down to it, it’s a damn lot of work. Because so much of that literature goes so far beyond just a surface reading, you can’t just get lost in it and float along for the ride, like a good novel. With the poetry I need or want to read, the brain must be engaged. Notes must be taken, connections drawn, thoughts thunk. And I am lazy. I think I’ve written before that I don’t feel like I really know how to read. That is, read for class, read critically, read for the purposes of passing a monster of an exam so I can get through this program. However, I have managed to get this far, and that’s got to say something. Even if it’s only that I know how to fake it pretty well. On the other hand, it might only feel like faking, when in reality, the kind of critical thinking/writing that comes out of me is really the kind that makes some sense or uncovers the kind of meaning that it ought to.
To sum up, today was a good day. A little bit of confidence building. It was a techno day. A day of music you don’t have to think about. Music that doesn’t distract you but quiets the cacophony in your head for awhile. So all that’s left is rhythm and the feeling of flight.