So, this morning I woke up for work, and James arose with me. I said, “Don’t you have off today?” thinking, he usually has off Thursdays. Even though he had off yesterday, I thought nothing of how he spent it because I was under the impression he also had a day off today. Well, I was wrong about the structure of his schedule, and therefore how he spent his yesterday kind of got under my skin.
He was on the computer all day. I thought, “Good, maybe he spent a couple hours actually searching for employment.” But no such luck. He was playing a game and surfing sports sites and generally not doing much of anything productive at all. Now, I do understand everyone’s need to just waste time occasionally. But at some point during your wasted day, don’t you look at what you’re doing and maybe make the effort to try to do something you should, whether that be laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, job searching, writing, reading, etc. Maybe at least try to accomplish part of your duties? Apparently the male brain does not function so. Or maybe it’s just my husband.
What’s bothering me is not that he took one day to be lazy. What bothers me is the habit of it. It’s not just one day. It happens all the time, which leads me to think that deep down maybe he doesn’t want to leave Blockbuster. Which leads me to think what kind of future Blockbuster can offer us as a family. Which leads me to depression over the look of said future. We will never get out of this too-expensive, too-small apartment. We will never own property. We will never even be able to afford to have children because the $20 I would save every month on birth control doesn’t amount to what you need to spend on children as they grow. Which leaves the pressure of career success on my shoulders, and let me just say that as a poet, I don’t anticipate that any success to come my way will be lucrative enough to support the kind of future I think we both want.
I admit, I’m overreacting just a touch. However, the impression still stands of his inability to leave the Blue World Order, whether out of the cruel hand of Fate, or his own inhibitions. Regardless, we probably need to have a serious talk about his laziness again, which I always hate because my “nagging” (as he sees it), usually only fuels the laziness as opposed to lighting a fire under his ass to drive it away. I plan to be calm and use a lot of “I” words so that he doesn’t feel under attack, like all those self-help communication guides say, but I’m not looking forward to it. Confrontation’s not really my forte. Hopefully there will be good things on the road ahead. For now, it just helped getting it written out.