I want to say that I love my mom. I love to party with her, and she is doing the most fabulous job as a made of honor. I say “made” because she is not a “maid” yet “matron” just sounds silly. It’s not a typo. Anyway, we had such fun at my bachelorette party, which seems like so long ago all of a sudden. We got a limo and went to Silk, which has ladies on the main floor, and male dancers in the basement. I got my first ever lap dance from a girl, to which my mom said to my friend, Shari, “Should I go rescue her?” I later found makeup on my bra as a result of that one. I got my second lap dance from the cowboy guy downstairs. The best part of that one was the massage. So I got my sister a lap dance from him, too. I almost won a fake-orgasm contest. I did win the chance to remove a dancer’s thong. Without using my hands. Of course. I drank a lot, but not too much, and we all just had so much fun.
The shower and Saturday in general was not as much fun. It was my last day in town, and while I wasn’t hungover, I was certainly dumbed-over. My brain was not working, there was no mediation between the thoughts in my head and the movement of my mouth. And I said stupid things. I was starting to feel the grief. And I was trying to let myself be okay with grieving, but there wasn’t really much time. And by Sunday morning, it had passed. I will probably need to do my grieving soon. What I mean about grieving is that this whole wedding process is a transformation and a rite of passage. Some things won’t change, true, but some things will never be the same again. Even if outwardly, nothing in my relationships with friends, James, and family might not change, what’s happening is an emotional shift. I have been and will feel a full spectrum of emotion in the next several weeks, and I don’t want to feel guilty for feeling sad. Because it’s not cold feet. It’s a natural process to need to grieve for what is left behind as you move forward in your life. A wedding is no different. And as much as I feel prepared within my relationship for marriage, I do still need to grieve some for the little girl who is, with this, starting to grow up for real.