Couldn’t Wouldn’t

I was talking with a friend from class last night, and she asked how the whole abstinence thing was going. Well, really she asked if it was still going. And I’m proud (in a way) to report that it is, in fact still going. We’ve come around the two month corner, with only three to go, and to be honest it hasn’t been as horrible as I had thought it would be. She told me that for her, refraining from such activities would not be an option. Not that she couldn’t do it, I guess, just that she wouldn’t want to.

Believe me, I miss the sex. Believe me, so does James. But really, there’s so many other things I’m dealing with right now that it’s sort of taken a back burner. Not that I don’t have vivid dreams where I wonder if I could have possibly “sinned” in my sleep, I’m just kind of taking a sick thrill out of the fact that I feel like I’m winning the whole battle of who could hold out longer on whom.

I have masturbated. I don’t know if James has.

I don’t think I’ve discussed in great detail the reasons that we have chosen to do this for our marriage. And as I was thinking about it yesterday and today, I must admit that it doesn’t seem very logical sometimes. I guess I just feel like it’s the right thing to do. The Church has its beliefs, and if we want to participate in the sacrament, we should do what they ask of us because of what they will give to us. I don’t think that premarital sex is always wrong. There are many instances where it is. However, knowing myself, my partner, and my relationship, it’s very clear that we have approached this aspect of our lives together with responsibility and respect. If Father Kevin wants us to prove that our relationship is not based on sex, then we can do that. We are almost halfway there, and what a gift our honeymoon will be!

I do have a lot of respect for people who wait until marriage, but these days, marriage is not always going to be the ultimate destination. Sexual intimacy should definitely be experienced by mature individuals who are prepared to handle the possible physical and emotional consequences.

I’ve done some “loose” things in my day, but I always kept something sacred. Something for myself. Something for someone I love. This experience, I believe in my heart, will strengthen the bond between James and me and bring us closer, hopefully for some earth-shattering sex, the likes of which no one has ever seen.


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