I realized yesterday that I really am glad to be living in Virginia. The winter weather has been blessedly low on both snow and cold. Two contributing factors to winter blues. Unfortunately, the light still goes away at four and I find myself listless and unwilling or unable to leave my apartment when I am left by myself. The more I want to do, the less I actually do and the more I feel guilty for falling asleep on the couch watching the Oxygen network for hours on end. Working is not the answer. I’m more depressed when I have to go to the store. Less so when I’m actually there, but back to being down when I come back from work. Working out is not the answer. It makes me feel alright about my body for a little while but as soon as I’m done exercising I feel like shouldn’t I have done more? Eating is not the answer. See guilt feelings above.

Several years ago I did try therapy. I went to a therapist through school. It didn’t help at all, but I told him that everything was turning out fine so that I wouldn’t have to listen to him talk about himself for thirty minutes at a time anymore. Forgive me if I fail to see the point in psychoanalysis. Besides, as soon as it gets that bad, the sun starts staying out longer, the trees start to flower and I’m okay again. This sucks.

It’s a new year, so I should feel optimistic or something. Resolve to change something or do something new. Instead, I feel afraid and sad and tired for no reason at all. I’ll be getting married this year. By the time the next installment of the Harry Potter saga is released, I’ll be a wife. Brides you are not alone, this thrills me and terrifies me. Fortunately, the thrill part is heavier than the terror, but the fact that its there doesn’t help the way I feel on days like this.

And I really don’t talk much about these feelings to anyone. Especially not James. For two reasons. One, he wants to fix it because he’s a male and that’s what men do. They fix things. If they can’t fix it, there must be something wrong with them. And two, he automatically thinks that it’s something wrong with him or us, and it’s too damn exhausting trying to explain that it’s not when I can’t explain what it is.

He’ll be home from watching football soon. Time to wake up my eyes and be working on wedding stuff or poetry stuff or something so that I’m not the same lump he left on the couch four hours ago. At least that’s some motivation. And at this point, I take what I can get.

There’s always hope that ol’ groundhog won’t see his shadow this year.


One thought on “Depressed?

  1. Willow says:

    Darling, lemme tell you, I felt the same exact way before my wedding. In my opinion, it’s only natural–anxiety and stuck-ed-ness and feelings that can’t be attached to one single thing. Of course it has nothing to do with you or James, but if you’re anything like me, it does have something to do with getting married. All of a sudden your life is tied to the course of someone else’s, for better or worse, which is way different than having a boyfriend with whom you happen to share an insurance plan and a lease. You can’t just pick up and move somewhere else on your own, or spend a week moldering in a pile of your own dirty dishes, or any of that comforting stuff one can do when one is single. Which is scary. It feels like you have fewer options, but really you just have different ones. It’ll be slow going for awhile but you’ll synch up.

    Read A Passage to India, it’s chock full of comforting advice for engaged women. Despite the fact that it was written by a man about eighty years ago.

    Stay strong! It’ll get better. You can’t avoid Pre Bridal Syndrome. But you can live through it.–>

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