Five Years

Last night, we went over to Jeff’s new house. They still don’t have much furniture, but it’s a cute little townhouse with Christmas lights up and everything. They even have a fireplace, which kept us warm on the lower level where they haven’t quite figured out how the heating works yet.

Anyway, we watched the Packer game and then went out for custard. It was almost like being in Milwaukee. I had a nice time, but James was tired and kind of moody. I was not acting all that shiny and happy myself, either. Who knows why.

On the drive back home, I just sort of got to thinking. Maybe I was depressed, maybe there was something in that Spaghettio chili, can’t really say. But here another week has gone by and James is still working for Blockbuster with no end to that in sight. He had another lead last week, but didn’t hear anything… again. So I’m just thinking, where are we going to be in five years? He’ll be some sort of district leader or some higher up manager person for that damn Blue World Order and I’ll have to work at some job or another to make ends meat and pay for daycare or something. Will we still be living in Virginia? Will we still be renting? Will he still try to tell me that he’s looking for a “real” job while hating the one he’s got?

Maybe it’s because the cold is finally setting in. It’s officially winter next week–a time when Sara goes mental. But I’m so freaking scared. Maybe it’s wedding jitters. But there’s absolutely nothing I can do to get him the hell out of Blockbuster. He even seems to be settling in. And there’s nothing I can do. I can’t say anything because every time I do he gets defensive and pissed off. I love him and want him to be happy and do well in a career that he has wanted all his life. I’m afraid that this will never happen and I’ll be stuck with this guy who hates his job, which will take up so much of his life that the anger and resentment will leak over to me and whatever kind of life we manage to build up around such things.

I’m just freaking out. Hopefully it will pass.

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