Finally, James felt the baby move. It was a good one, too. A nice big bump to say hello to Daddy as the three of us slowly woke up for our day.

I love those mornings. I get hugs from both sides, lying in bed, there’s just so much love. Those moments, I can’t believe how lucky I am. I have a great husband who’s also a great daddy. He makes me laugh and gets these giggles out of our boy that fill our house and my heart so much. And not only do I get to wake up to two great snugglers, but I have another one on the inside there, too, saying hello to our little family like it can’t wait to meet us all.

I’m getting really excited to add more hugs to our house, too.

Here we are. 25 weeks. Baby’s about the size of a rutabaga. Whatever that means. I dug out some yarn from under the bed because I crocheted a baby blanket for M before he was born, so I figured I’d get started on the one for Baby X. All I really had available was some purple and a pastel multicolored ball. So I began. And James came home and asked about it. I said, “I’m afraid it’s a little girly.” He said, “That’s okay, I have a feeling we’re having a girl.”

I honestly will be pretty surprised if Baby X turns out to be a boy. I think we all will. It would be great, because I love having a boy and totally wouldn’t mind having a girl, but I think that a girl is in the cards for our family this time. Especially after losing Baby X’s grandmother so recently. I’m thinking about her tonight. And I realize I’m still processing that whole thing, too.

One of the reasons he didn’t want to say anything, I think, was because he knew that thinking and talking about it again would make him cry. Another reason he may not have wanted to tell me was perhaps due to the part I played in the sad dream.

He got worked up to the point of sobbing three times before finally falling asleep that night. And the dream? He dreamed he’d been flushed down the toilet. He ended up nowhere. And me? I’d done the flushing.

Yeah, that kind of made me sad about his sad dream, too.

The next day, he was still very upset about the dream. It was still vivid enough that it got him crying again several times. And the worst part is that there is nothing that his mommy could do to make it better.

And over the past few days, he’s continued to talk about how he doesn’t like his sad dreams. Apparently he had another bad dream one night again, not quite so traumatizing, based on his description, but apparently the feel of it stuck enough. It’s gotten a little better for him in that he’s not bursting into tears every time he says the words. But he still talks so much about how the sad dreams are sticking to his head and he can’t get them off.

I wish there was more that I could do. But I think he’s just going through some major brain development, perhaps his dreams are just getting more vivid in general. Perhaps he’s just trying to work something out that he hasn’t quite gotten the hang of yet. So in the meantime, I’ll hold him, give him cuddles when he needs them, and let him talk about it, or not, as he prefers. And hopefully the sad dreams will let go or be destroyed for good one of these days, too.

Baby X has been wiggling all around. I even saw my stomach twitch the other morning. But still no one else seems to be able to feel it. I think that the men in my household just lack a certain amount of patience (really? Those guys? I never would’ve guessed). Anyway, I’m hoping that once James can feel and bond a little better with the squirmy little creature in there, he won’t be quite as freaked out about the whole having another baby thing.

To be honest, having gotten used to being around a child–this person with opinions and stories and wild imaginations and bad dreams and everything–the idea of a baby is kind of intimidating at times. And maybe James and I both have skewed memories of the baby days with M. I remember that it was hard. I know that I felt downright abysmal at times. But overall, I did enjoy having a baby. And having more of a mom network in addition to an amazing four-year-old for company in those early months that can be so isolating, I’m excited to do the baby thing again. I’m looking forward to a few cute new diapers, using all those tiny clothes and my old baby sling (or a new one I’m considering making), breastfeeding and watching a sibling relationship build and grow between my two kids. I’m excited to see James hold a newborn again, knowing that all the rocking, bouncing, cradling and cuddling will all come back to him when he gets to meet that new little piece of our hearts.

However, right now he seems more focused on the fact that diapers are yucky and they cry and cause so much sleep deprivation and mommy blues he was never quite sure how to help or cure. I think he’s freaked about a lot of things, and he’s flat out admitted that he’s just not quite emotionally prepared for a new baby yet. Fortunately, we’ve still got about four months to go, but in the meantime, there are a couple of significant aspects of our lives that are currently up in the air, and I know that all the uncertainty surrounding the year ahead can’t be helping his confidence.

Anyway, I’m sure having a new baby will be tougher than my optimism is anticipating. But I also know that it’s going to be much better than all the pessimism of my spouse. What it all boils down to is that this baby will, without a doubt, be loved beyond all measure and welcomed gratefully and wholeheartedly. So keep kicking, little Baby X, and we’ll do our best to be ready to meet you when you’re ready to be met.

At 22 weeks pregnant, I turned 33. We had a lovely day making chocolate chip cookies and trying a new restaurant for dinner. I think about Baby X often, and I feel like I’m finally looking pregnant rockin’ the maternity tops.

Then Christmas came and then we hit week 23. Baby X is getting more active in there and this week really got to know my bladder better. Everyone is excited watching my belly grow, and I’m starting to realize just how close we’re getting to becoming a family of four.

It’s overwhelming because of all that’s left to do. We still have a four-year-old who enjoys sneaking into our bed (on my side) sometime between 3:00 and 4:00am. I love waking up with him snuggled against me, and even though I know we should be working toward him staying in his own bed all night, or at least maybe coming over to Daddy’s side, I just can’t bring myself to let that happen just yet.

We have a birth plan to go over. Things to clean and organize. A car seat to purchase (for M) and install (for M and X both). Names to choose. Clothes and diapers to unpack. A bouncer to retrieve from Wisconsin. A blanket to make (because I made one for M, it’s only fair). I’m sure the list goes on. It’s a lot. but it’s exciting and I can’t wait to tackle it all.

2011 has been quite an eventful year for our family. It began with a lot of stress over my husband’s job at Blockbuster Video, which was shutting down stores left and right with only a partial guarantee that he would still have a job through the company’s bankruptcy and sale process. He was one of the lone few in his district who left the company voluntarily, and in May, he began in a new position at the Vitamin Shoppe. As an assistant manager, he has been learning a lot of new things about nutrition and how to run a high-volume store, and it looks like he is in a position to advance sometime in the near future.

Around the same time as James began his new job, I found my hours at the baby store decreasing, so I began a position as an assistant to a home-based professional photographer. There was a lot of schedule juggling to be done with three jobs between the two of us, and eventually, I did decide that it wasn’t working out to my or the photographer’s advantage.

July marked our sixth wedding anniversary, but we spent the day finishing an emergency drive to Wisconsin. My mother-in-law had suffered a massive stroke earlier in the week and was having brain surgery as we got on the road. She came through surgery alright, but had some significant damage. Due to her previous health issues, doctors became more concerned about her heart than her brain. To a point.

Over the next several months, she fought like a champ to stay with us, but for every forward step of her recovery, there was another step backward, and finally, on October 18th, she passed away in the hospital with her husband and other family members around her. We all miss her a lot, and needless to say, the holidays just haven’t been the same without her.

In the meantime, however, we got some happy news. In August, we found out that there will be a new member joining our family next spring. Michael is very excited to be a big brother. We don’t know if the new baby will be a boy or a girl, but he insists he’s going to have a sister and has named her “Baby X.” He’s been trying to help pick out names for after the baby comes out, and so far, his top contender is Nemo, which he insists is perfect for a girl.

And speaking of babies, I have continued my position at the baby store and, after cutting out the photography job, have picked up a weekly shift at my local cloth diaper retailer. It’s the perfect job for a mom of young children, since the babies are welcome and motherhood is our staff’s top priority. Michael enjoys coming to work with me most days, especially when there are other four-year-olds there to play with.

We are looking forward to some big changes in 2012, though we’re still waiting for clarity in the details. We hope that your holiday season was magical. We think often of our family and friends near and far, and we hope that you all have more blessings in your life to count. Because even though we have had what some may consider a fairly difficult year, every day we are grateful for all the good things, the people and the love that we hold so dear.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love,
Sara, James and Michael

Anyway, I began to consider whether the hosting was worth it for my little corner of the blogosphere or not. And I came to the conclusion… not. We have a lot on our plates right now, financially, so I’m back to a free WordPress blog. I know my mom doesn’t use a feed reader, but if you do, you might need to update your RSS things to keep up.

I have a couple of posts that I owe, but I wanted to make sure that all my material was backed up and reloaded here before I messed with adding anything more. We’re two weeks behind in weekly pregnancy photos, and I’ve got a couple other posts sitting in the back of my brain waiting for a good time to be transmitted to type.

There are a few convenience and aesthetic factors that I will miss about paying for a hosted blog, but I’m pretty sure that I won’t lament their lack too long as I get used to the free digs again.

Thanks for sticking with me. I’ll have photo updates in the next day or two and hopefully something interesting to say about the end of 2011.

Wednesday marked the beginning of the twenty-second week of this pregnancy journey. On Thursday, we went in for our ultrasound scan, to make sure everything is as normal as it seems so we can stay on track to have the birth center birth we desire. And no, we didn’t find out the sex. Not even a hint.

As a friend commented, “It’s a face. A gender-neutral face.” And what a great little face it is.

An ultrasound used to be anything but routine. And for first-time parents, it definitely feels a little bit magical. Or even a little deviant, peeking into a previously unknown realm, a deep and private place, and seeing a live and moving picture of this child before it has even opened its eyes to the outside world. With M, I had three ultrasounds. They were fascinating for this very reason. But with Baby X, the whole pregnancy has been a completely different experience.

The few times we’ve heard the heartbeat, baby kicks and moves away. The first visit when we so desperately wanted to hear that little galloping rhythm, baby kept itself hidden from us. I’ve almost gotten to feel like an uninvited guest in my own body. And while baby didn’t seem to mind the ultrasound, I still had a feeling that we were intruding. It was still fascinating, and amazing to see and capture these images, but there was a part of me that felt like I shouldn’t be looking at all.

When my test strip came up positive in August, I was shocked and tentative. We’d only just let our guard down enough to start thinking it wouldn’t be so bad to have another baby soon. It was incredible news, though, and I was very excited. But I was also trying not to count my chickens before they hatched. It was early. Only three weeks along, a barely missed period. Part of me even thought that this was not going to be our time, after all. So I waited for it to be confirmed. To become real.

The dream I had the night before I took the test indicated that this was the baby. This was a child that would stick it out and join our family. I held onto that dream in the back of my mind, underneath all the fear that maybe it wouldn’t be. But even after hearing the heart a few times now and seeing the fluttering beats, the face, the hands, the spine, and feeling the bumps and flips inside, it still doesn’t quite seem real.

I’m fascinated by my changing body, by the fact that this baby has made its presence known in completely different ways from its brother. And that’s the other thing. I have this four-year-old, this big brother in training, whom I’m trying to teach as I listen to him and learn from him along the way. He tugs at me and plants himself in front of my face and demands to be seen, to be heard. And I don’t want to be distracted from him. Though I am.

Recently, our family has settled into a routine where M doesn’t need as much from us as he used to. We can cook, clean, write or read while he plays or amuses himself for a time. We have found our own spaces. With an impending infant, it will all change again, and we’ll need to find ways to make it fall back into place. When we were expecting him, I couldn’t picture the life we’d have with M once he got here. Sometimes I try to picture what we’ll be like when we’re four. Because I know what having a baby is like. I’ve been through it once already. I know that even for all the feedings and diapers and sleep and lack of sleep, a newborn is pretty easy to fit into a life. Or to fit a life around. Another part of me knows that because this pregnancy has already been so different than my last, I might be in for some interesting surprises this spring. I’m trying to be okay with that.

How to Get Over Your Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

• Find an egg substitute in the house that makes the banana bread edible.
• Realize that you forgot to pay the mortgage one month, and the world did not end.
• Remember you’re not the first (nor will you be the last) pregnant woman to pee your pants and be thankful that you were in your own home when it happened.
• Have your husband go out and get you exactly what you’re craving for dinner.
• Prayers.
• Lots of hugs from the two most important guys in your life.
• Know that tomorrow has no other option but to be better.

Apparently, at 20 weeks, measurements can be taken head-to-toe instead of crown-to-rump now. So at twenty weeks, we’re talking banana. And at 20 weeks, I mention I’m expecting in April to a customer or random stranger, and they look at me like, “no way.”

So I guess I’m still not showing all that much. Which makes those little baby wiggles and flips I’m feeling even more special. Because they’re still my secret. Part of me wishes that I was showing more than I am. Because I thought that by this point with M, it was pretty obvious. I think we were in Florida at the time, and I had started to sport all my awesome summer maternity shirts. I passed my reflection in a shop window and thought, “Wow, I totally look pregnant.”

Not right now, though. But I totally feel pregnant. I feel like I’m getting a little off balance sometimes. Just a touch awkward in moving myself about. And there’s that tap-tapping from the inside, there. Someone saying hello. It makes me smile every time. Hello, Baby X. I feel you. I know you’re there. I hope that you’re safe and happy and growing well.