The diapers are in the wash. Dishes are done. And James and I are trying to watch the whole Star Trek movie while M takes his nap.

Thanks to the generosity of family, we’re taking an evening flight to Milwaukee today. It’s going to be a whirlwind. And this trip, originally to attend Grandma’s funeral, has now turned into nearly a week’s  vacation for me and the kid. I’m glad about that, in some ways, but it also feels kind of weird.

So I’ll be hanging out in Milwaukee through Tuesday morning now. Though James has to return home on Friday. I will miss him, but it will be good for all of us to spend some time with family.

So now, I’m going to pack up the laptop and see if we make it to the end of the movie. To those of you local to my destination, I will see many of you soon.

So my computer has been obsessively bothering me about my low disk space. So I deleted a bunch of large picture files (making sure they were all on my external storage device, too, of course). I went through my programs to change/remove the stuff that’s rarely used. I think I freed up a good chunk of space. But there are programs that are still hanging around that I have no idea how to uninstall. Because if they were nice, they’d offer up an “uninstall” option from the programs menu. Nope. Not nice programs.

I don’t use much on the computer. I have Adobe CS3, which certainly takes up more than its fair share of disk space. I have MS Office from 2003, which is also somewhat large. I have Firefox to browse the Internets, and a few other random Windows accoutrements that come in handy for viewing pictures and extracting files, but really, I don’t need a lot. So where does all my disk space go? And how can I fix it better?

The thing is, one of the times that I went on a deleting spree in the past, I accidently must have deleted a program or driver or something that allows my laptop to play DVDs. Which was one feature that as my kid got older, I was sure would come in handy on long drives or flights. But then for no reason, DVDs don’t work anymore. Okay, maybe not “for no reason,” but really, I would think that a program that I actually used would ring enough of a bell that would make me think twice about tossing it into the old recycle bin.

So, in conclusion, I have two questions:

1. How do you clean up a hard drive and really, truly delete all those stupid programs that you don’t use or need anymore?
2. How can I get my laptop to play DVDs again? Can I download something from Microsoft or HP to fix whatever I broke? Is there free software or drivers I can get somewhere? Or do I have to pay for something? And will it take up so much space on my hard drive that I’ll have to run the “disk cleanup” every ten minutes again for the rest of my computer’s life?

I was reviewing my clothing options for Thursday’s funeral and landed on a dress I’ve worn to two weddings and a baptism. When I was considering my footwear, I realized that I didn’t have anything appropriate for fall, though I did manage to find some stockings. I never wear stockings. And the word itself even feels a little strange in my mouth and rolling around in my head.

Anyway, a fall funeral seems to require stockings. And shoes that are a little more closed than I am used to wearing. My dress shoes all seem to be sandal-like. Because the open-foot look distracts from the fact that the heel is either super low or nonexistent.

So I went to the thrift store this morning to look for a pair of low-heeled, closed-toed shoes that would go with my dress.

I found some red ones. They’re a little shiny, and one of the heels is scuffed, but they’re me, even if the heel is a little higher than I would normally prefer. I think they’re appropriate, but still me. And now I have a pair of dress shoes to wear with pretty much every dress in my closet, for under $5.

Yeah, the price tag was pretty much what sold me, even though they may not be the most comfortable shoes I’ll ever own. What can I say, I just freaked out at my bank account because I thought I wouldn’t have enough money in there to cover the pending mortgage payment, so I switched around the dates on some other bills only to realize that the mortgage payment went through on Friday, so in reality, there’s plenty of money in there to cover the pending bills, and maybe even a little extra to help us on our journey “home” this week.

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Edited to add: M thinks they’re cool, too.

Grandma passed away last night. It was quick, and she was comfortable and among family.

We leave for Wisconsin on Tuesday. The funeral is Thursday. We have a lot to do.

If anyone is reading this and knows a good way to make more money or spend less, I’m all ears. I’m working almost as many hours as is physically possible, though maybe there’s a way to work more. There are no freelance gigs coming in. And we’re going over budget every month.

This is the thing on my mind. The reason I don’t mind if the bosses keep us late closing the store. Even an extra five or ten minutes makes a difference on the paycheck, if only a tiny one. This is why I’m looking everywhere for answers. Talking about ways to make our lives different. Applying for new jobs myself. Thinking about what I can do to pinch another penny.

We can’t afford our debt. And if we pay our debt, we can’t afford to fill our cars or our bellies without adding more to our debt. It’s not by that much each month, but it all adds up. Keeps adding up. And then root canals, prescriptions. I put off seeing a doctor for a couple of minor issues I’ve had going on because they’re not urgent enough to warrant spending the $25 co-pay.

So I’m on Craigslist looking for anything that catches my eye. I’m reading paid emails and filling out surveys for a few cents a pop. I’m talking again with my manager about how to get more hours. Maybe I can work a double shift on Thursdays, come in earlier than opening on the days I open. Add another day, another couple hours.

Anyone have meal plans? Recipes with few and cheap ingredients? Ideas on how to make another dollar? I’ll take any advice. Because with student loans in deferment and an interest-only mortgage that’s not going to be interest-only forever, the future doesn’t look much better from where I’m sitting right now.

James’ grandmother is in hospice care. Yeah, kind of a heavy topic for a Friday night, but here we go.

She’s been fighting cancer for some time. It’s finally taken its toll on her old body. And it’s been a rough time for her family. For my husband’s family. And for us. Not being there.

We’ve been busy with our respective jobs and raising a kid and what-not. But the whole time, this is there. This dying. This passing. And it’s not easy. She’s our last grandparent.

I started writing tonight wanting to say something about how life is short. Even when it’s long. I wanted to say that I hope everyone makes amends before she’s gone. I’m not sure how to say what’s in my head or in my heart. I’ve been lucky enough not to have a lot of experience with death. It is still unfamiliar territory.

So maybe I’ll have something better to say on another day. Right now it’s just another waiting game. It could be days, weeks, even months. But we’re on notice. Because we’ll go back for the funeral. It’s hard to wait for death. To feel so helpless to do anything from so far away while she still lives.

I don’t feel like myself. I’m not writing like myself. It’s getting late. I worked this afternoon. I had a great time playing with my son when we got home. Life is good, could be better, but we have love. We have lots of that.

And this wasn’t what I wanted to say at all.

For the first time ever, tonight M requested bedtime snuggles from Daddy. Usually when both of us are here, even if I just got home from work, like today, I put him to bed, at least finish up the routine. Not tonight. Nope. Tonight I”m on dinner duty instead.

I’m not sure if I feel rejected or proud. Maybe a little bit of both.

At least I got hugs and kisses, a thrown kiss and a big smiley, “bye!”

I sure do love those guys.

We used to go to a play group every week over at my friend Jenny’s house. We took a break over the summer and Jenny started working more full-time, so we just sort of let the group dissipate. I’ve been missing it. Or something to take its place. I like having something to look forward to. Something social, something stimulating. I like M having a place to play and new people to see. He’s very shy around other kids, since he spends the majority of his time with his parents. So it would be good for him to have a place to go to play and meet some new friends.

So when Jenny mentioned this Bible study thing, there were a couple of aspects that appealed to me. And to be honest, the whole Bible part of it really wasn’t one of them. I’m a fairly spiritual person. I have a relationship with God, in my own way. But I’m not really one of those “Bible people.” You know? What appeals to me is the personal connection, the intellectual discussion, the opportunity to learn something about myself, and the opportunity for M to learn new things and social skills.

The other main attraction was that it’s free. Free meetings and free childcare, or child classes, as it happens. So now we have something to do on Wednesday mornings. I feel good about it. And I hope it turns out to be good for us both.

The last few weeks have been rough. James has had one of those important visits from some important corporate person hanging over his head. It’s been postponed and postponed again. Which sometimes is fine in the short-term–like the days when he would have had to put in an extra several hours on top of a full shift, he ends up home in time for dinner–but as the weeks have dragged on, there are more days than not when we barely have time to communicate the very basics of household activities. Did the kid eat? Are the dishes clean? Do you need any pants washed?

Needless to say, we haven’t had much quality time together. Which leaves me feeling a little lonely. I’ve been missing a lot of my friends. I’ve been trying to do something that makes me feel better about our situation. That being, me waiting for James to have some time not only for me, but for himself. He had been doing very well with his physical fitness and determination to meet certain goals he’d set out for himself. Now, though, with all that’s happening at his store, it seems like we’ve landed back in purgatory. And here I am again, the disappointed optimist.

I’m trying to figure out what I can do to change our circumstances while James works. I applied for a job I probably don’t have a chance at getting. I am racking my brain to think of ways to cut the spending budget. The only income increase I can hope for is that I get some extra hours tossed my way soon. Or some freelance work comes in. I am feeling burdened and trapped. And I feel like the only one carrying the weight.

I have some ideas. But it’s not going to be easy. And I can’t do it alone.

The sun is shining. M rode his bike very well this morning and had fun, and James will be home for dinner. Maybe we can come up with some plans together.

So is it just boys? Or kids in general? Because M had a photo session at the JC Penny portrait studio scheduled for this morning and what else would happen while we were getting ready but he would bump his head in such a way that it bled.

He never cuts himself badly. Usually just falls down or runs into things that might make him bruise a little, which tends not to be very visible. But today of all days, he bleeds.

But not just from his head, no. If it had been the side or back of his head, fine. As long as it didn’t require a trip to the emergency room, no big deal. But this cut happened to land on his face.

Right by his eye.

I cleaned him up as well as I could. I tried to ice his brow so that it wouldn’t swell up too badly. The portraits still turned out adorable, and you can barely see the little red gash. I suppose the injury could have happened in a more obvious part of the face.

As soon as I made sure the injury was minor enough, I dabbed the blood from his head and just kind of laughed to myself. Because it figures. And I’m well aware that mine is not the first kid to get his picture taken with some manner of contusion present in the shot, he won’t be the last, and I’d even wager that it happens to M again in the future.

We had a great morning otherwise, though. After portraits, we stopped at my old bookstore just in time for Storytime. M got to color and run around a little bit, and I actually encountered a couple of my former coworkers and chatted for a bit.