I am bad at writing things down. You would think, since I keep a blog, that this wouldn’t be a problem. But every time I’ve tried to keep and adhere to a list, I have been perpetually incapable of following through to the check mark, the cross-off, the long-term record-keeping, what have you. So basically, when it comes to tracking things that matter for any length of time, I’m just no good.

I thought that the ability might magically appear, much like the breast milk, when I became a mom. Because that’s a lot of what’s involved in the early days, weeks and months of parenting. That’s practically all any new mom (except me) can talk about. How many wet diapers, how much poop, what color is it, when did he eat, how long did he sleep, how many times did he spit up, did he burp after every feeding, how long did he cry before you figured out what kind of cry it was? It’s like the new mom’s calendar should be minutely arranged into these tiny little blocks, which when you add them all up will show a beautiful little line graph and some kind of pattern to analyze and go, “Okay, here’s what’s going on. And this green line here shows that I am doing everything right.”

Well. Not in my world. I don’t count diapers. If I’m going through enough that I’m washing them every other day, then he’s going enough. I am so grateful when he does take a nap that by the time I think to look at the clock he’s already waking up, and I have no idea how much time has passed. As far as feeding is concerned, it’s actually gotten much easier to tell whether he’s really hungry or just wants to suck himself to sleep. We’re working on cutting out the sucking to sleep on my boob. Not going very well, but it’s a process. This is what I have to tell myself every few hours. And every time I just give up and let him stay asleep on my lap after the suck. And when the pediatrician asks for the details, I’ve pretty much just been making things up.

So I’ve been reading parts of books here and there. Because after four months without any regular routine or any sort of predictability, I don’t feel good. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right at all and that my baby deserves a mother who knows a thing or two about what’s going on. But the books are all different. Cry it out, don’t let him cry it out, watch the baby, watch the clock. But they all begin the same way. Write down what you’re doing now and keep track of the changes.

I’m barely organized enough to feed myself every day. What makes these authors believe that a new mom looking to a book to help her out is going to have the discipline to write down the minutiae of her baby’s existence? For more than one day in a row, no less?

So here’s the plan. I’m reading the books. And I’m going to try to take the advice that feels right. It doesn’t feel right to chart and track every little thing. I might make a few notes, but I’m not going to kill myself if I forget. I’m going to get James on the same page about what’s happening when he’s not here (and even when he is), my chosen strategies and where I ultimately want us to go with it all so that everyone ends up being more happy than sad, more calm than crazy. Especially me.