29 Weeks

After a week in Wisconsin, I think I must have done something wrong. At my appointment this week, I’d actually lost a little weight. The midwife wasn’t overly concerned for now, especially since I had submitted a diet journal (started after I got home, of course), which did show how much and what I’ve been eating every day. Baby’s growing, measuring good, has its head down already. My iron was a little low, so I’ve been recommended to eat more red meat, leafy greens, all that irony protein stuff. So even though I’m just feeding myself and my boy every night for dinner this week, I’ve been trying to add some meat to our meals.

I’m feeling heavier, a little more tired. But I’m also crossing some stuff off my to-do list in preparation for baby. The big thing now is arranging for someone to be around for M during the labor and birth. I’ve got a few options, so hopefully with the help from a few kind and generous individuals, I’ll have a plan, a backup and maybe a couple of other backup options.

M has been more lovey with me and the baby belly. He asks to give Baby X hugs in the morning, he kisses my belly, and during the Super Bowl, we were just lying on the couch together and his hand was lightly running circles around my belly. He’s also highly amused by my disappearing naval.

 

What Screaming Child?

I had the pleasure and good fortune to go out to dinner with a few close friends I’ve known for ages while I was in Wisconsin a little over a week ago. We went to one of my favorite places to eat, and we got to catch up on the lives we’ve been living at a distance from each other for far too long.

I’m thrilled for these individuals because it seems like things are going well for them, they look happy and healthy and beautiful, and I took note of just how much I miss hanging out with them on a regular basis.

As many of my handful of readers know, James and I are seriously considering a move back to Wisconsin to be closer to family and get our financial situation more under control. Being able to see these friends, among others, is one item that definitely goes in the “pro” column for this particular decision.

But it might not really be that simple to slip back into that place. You see, our relationship has shifted, probably having a lot to do with the current distance. But I think it also has a little bit to do with my life and experience as a parent. I noticed this very acutely as we were chatting at our table in the restaurant, and one friend was getting especially irritated, frequently glancing over at something a few tables away from ours. Finally, there came the offhand comment that people should not bring screaming children to restaurants.

Now, before I was a parent, I may have agreed with the statement. But as a parent, the first thing I observed in myself was how I hadn’t even noticed that the sound of said screaming child was even a part of the cacophonous mingle of crowded restaurant noises. The second thing, as a parent, I pointed out that the child in question is not usually screaming when you choose to bring them to a restaurant.

We all have our days. The high-pitched squeal of someone under five is not always music to my ears, especially in close quarters, as I happen to spend many of my own hours with someone of that particular demographic. And the fact that a child screaming at a restaurant bothered one of my good friends is not necessarily any huge deal to me. When I’m out with my kid, I do my very best to help him stay under the radar, so to speak. I try to teach him at home what’s appropriate so that on the rare occasions we do go out, he understands what’s expected of him. But sometimes, kids are just kids. Unless it’s totally out of hand, the occasional outburst will happen, and we parents just have to hope that no one’s whole evening is ruined because of it.

The thing is, most of my close friends I’ve had forever are not yet to the parenting phase of their journeys, if it’s even in the cards for them at all. And that’s fine, I’ll go ahead and envy them their sleep, double incomes and free time, but I’m sitting right here in the thick of it, and there is no denying that this simple fact has changed the way I experience the world. And a small part of me is actually afraid that this change could turn out to be a line that keeps me at a distance from certain people, even if I end up in closer physical proximity.

 

28 Weeks

This is the first week of the third trimester. I’m so not ready for this. The third trimester is the last one of a pregnancy. Which is only three trimesters. That’s what a trimester is. A period of time divided into three. So here we are, entering the third. The last trimester. At the end of which, there will be a baby.

It’s sinking in pretty heavily now. We were out of town last week, in Wisconsin visiting family and doing our January Christmas thing, and even Baby X got a few little gifts. In just a few more months, we’ll be dressing him/her in those little things. And I haven’t even really started to prepare myself for the birth. Not to mention the fact of becoming a family of four.

I suppose, now that we’re here in the third of three trimesters, that should probably begin to change. It’s been hard to focus on baby to dos when there are so many other things going on.

I know it will all be okay. I have a great birth team. I’m considering whether I want a photographer (and how to pay someone if I do), and who might be available, willing and/or able to keep tabs on my big boy during the big event. We still have not discussed names in any real way. And I’m preoccupied with our current financial circumstances and the likely scenario of having to plan a move in the fall with an infant and a four-year-old also needing my constant attention.

So that’s the update as we enter the third trimester today. I think it’s time to make some lists. And break out the Hypnobirthing meditations.

 

26 Weeks

Finally, James felt the baby move. It was a good one, too. A nice big bump to say hello to Daddy as the three of us slowly woke up for our day.

I love those mornings. I get hugs from both sides, lying in bed, there’s just so much love. Those moments, I can’t believe how lucky I am. I have a great husband who’s also a great daddy. He makes me laugh and gets these giggles out of our boy that fill our house and my heart so much. And not only do I get to wake up to two great snugglers, but I have another one on the inside there, too, saying hello to our little family like it can’t wait to meet us all.

I’m getting really excited to add more hugs to our house, too.

 

25 Weeks

Here we are. 25 weeks. Baby’s about the size of a rutabaga. Whatever that means. I dug out some yarn from under the bed because I crocheted a baby blanket for M before he was born, so I figured I’d get started on the one for Baby X. All I really had available was some purple and a pastel multicolored ball. So I began. And James came home and asked about it. I said, “I’m afraid it’s a little girly.” He said, “That’s okay, I have a feeling we’re having a girl.”

I honestly will be pretty surprised if Baby X turns out to be a boy. I think we all will. It would be great, because I love having a boy and totally wouldn’t mind having a girl, but I think that a girl is in the cards for our family this time. Especially after losing Baby X’s grandmother so recently. I’m thinking about her tonight. And I realize I’m still processing that whole thing, too.

 

Sad Dreams

A few days ago, M woke up and cried to his daddy about a sad dream. I had already gone to work by the time he woke for the day, so I only heard about it after I got home. As I helped him get ready for bed, he told me he had had a sad dream, but he didn’t want to tell me. I soon learned why.

One of the reasons he didn’t want to say anything, I think, was because he knew that thinking and talking about it again would make him cry. Another reason he may not have wanted to tell me was perhaps due to the part I played in the sad dream.

He got worked up to the point of sobbing three times before finally falling asleep that night. And the dream? He dreamed he’d been flushed down the toilet. He ended up nowhere. And me? I’d done the flushing.

Yeah, that kind of made me sad about his sad dream, too.

The next day, he was still very upset about the dream. It was still vivid enough that it got him crying again several times. And the worst part is that there is nothing that his mommy could do to make it better.

And over the past few days, he’s continued to talk about how he doesn’t like his sad dreams. Apparently he had another bad dream one night again, not quite so traumatizing, based on his description, but apparently the feel of it stuck enough. It’s gotten a little better for him in that he’s not bursting into tears every time he says the words. But he still talks so much about how the sad dreams are sticking to his head and he can’t get them off.

I wish there was more that I could do. But I think he’s just going through some major brain development, perhaps his dreams are just getting more vivid in general. Perhaps he’s just trying to work something out that he hasn’t quite gotten the hang of yet. So in the meantime, I’ll hold him, give him cuddles when he needs them, and let him talk about it, or not, as he prefers. And hopefully the sad dreams will let go or be destroyed for good one of these days, too.

 

24 Weeks

Baby X has been wiggling all around. I even saw my stomach twitch the other morning. But still no one else seems to be able to feel it. I think that the men in my household just lack a certain amount of patience (really? Those guys? I never would’ve guessed). Anyway, I’m hoping that once James can feel and bond a little better with the squirmy little creature in there, he won’t be quite as freaked out about the whole having another baby thing.

To be honest, having gotten used to being around a child–this person with opinions and stories and wild imaginations and bad dreams and everything–the idea of a baby is kind of intimidating at times. And maybe James and I both have skewed memories of the baby days with M. I remember that it was hard. I know that I felt downright abysmal at times. But overall, I did enjoy having a baby. And having more of a mom network in addition to an amazing four-year-old for company in those early months that can be so isolating, I’m excited to do the baby thing again. I’m looking forward to a few cute new diapers, using all those tiny clothes and my old baby sling (or a new one I’m considering making), breastfeeding and watching a sibling relationship build and grow between my two kids. I’m excited to see James hold a newborn again, knowing that all the rocking, bouncing, cradling and cuddling will all come back to him when he gets to meet that new little piece of our hearts.

However, right now he seems more focused on the fact that diapers are yucky and they cry and cause so much sleep deprivation and mommy blues he was never quite sure how to help or cure. I think he’s freaked about a lot of things, and he’s flat out admitted that he’s just not quite emotionally prepared for a new baby yet. Fortunately, we’ve still got about four months to go, but in the meantime, there are a couple of significant aspects of our lives that are currently up in the air, and I know that all the uncertainty surrounding the year ahead can’t be helping his confidence.

Anyway, I’m sure having a new baby will be tougher than my optimism is anticipating. But I also know that it’s going to be much better than all the pessimism of my spouse. What it all boils down to is that this baby will, without a doubt, be loved beyond all measure and welcomed gratefully and wholeheartedly. So keep kicking, little Baby X, and we’ll do our best to be ready to meet you when you’re ready to be met.

 

22 and 23 Weeks

At 22 weeks pregnant, I turned 33. We had a lovely day making chocolate chip cookies and trying a new restaurant for dinner. I think about Baby X often, and I feel like I’m finally looking pregnant rockin’ the maternity tops.

Then Christmas came and then we hit week 23. Baby X is getting more active in there and this week really got to know my bladder better. Everyone is excited watching my belly grow, and I’m starting to realize just how close we’re getting to becoming a family of four.

It’s overwhelming because of all that’s left to do. We still have a four-year-old who enjoys sneaking into our bed (on my side) sometime between 3:00 and 4:00am. I love waking up with him snuggled against me, and even though I know we should be working toward him staying in his own bed all night, or at least maybe coming over to Daddy’s side, I just can’t bring myself to let that happen just yet.

We have a birth plan to go over. Things to clean and organize. A car seat to purchase (for M) and install (for M and X both). Names to choose. Clothes and diapers to unpack. A bouncer to retrieve from Wisconsin. A blanket to make (because I made one for M, it’s only fair). I’m sure the list goes on. It’s a lot. but it’s exciting and I can’t wait to tackle it all.

 

2011 Christmas Letter

Dear Friends,

2011 has been quite an eventful year for our family. It began with a lot of stress over my husband’s job at Blockbuster Video, which was shutting down stores left and right with only a partial guarantee that he would still have a job through the company’s bankruptcy and sale process. He was one of the lone few in his district who left the company voluntarily, and in May, he began in a new position at the Vitamin Shoppe. As an assistant manager, he has been learning a lot of new things about nutrition and how to run a high-volume store, and it looks like he is in a position to advance sometime in the near future.

Around the same time as James began his new job, I found my hours at the baby store decreasing, so I began a position as an assistant to a home-based professional photographer. There was a lot of schedule juggling to be done with three jobs between the two of us, and eventually, I did decide that it wasn’t working out to my or the photographer’s advantage.

July marked our sixth wedding anniversary, but we spent the day finishing an emergency drive to Wisconsin. My mother-in-law had suffered a massive stroke earlier in the week and was having brain surgery as we got on the road. She came through surgery alright, but had some significant damage. Due to her previous health issues, doctors became more concerned about her heart than her brain. To a point.

Over the next several months, she fought like a champ to stay with us, but for every forward step of her recovery, there was another step backward, and finally, on October 18th, she passed away in the hospital with her husband and other family members around her. We all miss her a lot, and needless to say, the holidays just haven’t been the same without her.

In the meantime, however, we got some happy news. In August, we found out that there will be a new member joining our family next spring. Michael is very excited to be a big brother. We don’t know if the new baby will be a boy or a girl, but he insists he’s going to have a sister and has named her “Baby X.” He’s been trying to help pick out names for after the baby comes out, and so far, his top contender is Nemo, which he insists is perfect for a girl.

And speaking of babies, I have continued my position at the baby store and, after cutting out the photography job, have picked up a weekly shift at my local cloth diaper retailer. It’s the perfect job for a mom of young children, since the babies are welcome and motherhood is our staff’s top priority. Michael enjoys coming to work with me most days, especially when there are other four-year-olds there to play with.

We are looking forward to some big changes in 2012, though we’re still waiting for clarity in the details. We hope that your holiday season was magical. We think often of our family and friends near and far, and we hope that you all have more blessings in your life to count. Because even though we have had what some may consider a fairly difficult year, every day we are grateful for all the good things, the people and the love that we hold so dear.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love,
Sara, James and Michael

 

 

Budget Cuts

Hi, and welcome back to my new, old blog. Here’s what’s happening. I’ve been getting these emails from my web hosting service for a few weeks now about how my hosting account was set to expire. I must have gotten a deal back when I set up the hosted blog, because the price they were asking me to pay was just a bit out of my price range. And I don’t remember paying that much before. But inflation, right? What can you do?

Anyway, I began to consider whether the hosting was worth it for my little corner of the blogosphere or not. And I came to the conclusion… not. We have a lot on our plates right now, financially, so I’m back to a free WordPress blog. I know my mom doesn’t use a feed reader, but if you do, you might need to update your RSS things to keep up.

I have a couple of posts that I owe, but I wanted to make sure that all my material was backed up and reloaded here before I messed with adding anything more. We’re two weeks behind in weekly pregnancy photos, and I’ve got a couple other posts sitting in the back of my brain waiting for a good time to be transmitted to type.

There are a few convenience and aesthetic factors that I will miss about paying for a hosted blog, but I’m pretty sure that I won’t lament their lack too long as I get used to the free digs again.

Thanks for sticking with me. I’ll have photo updates in the next day or two and hopefully something interesting to say about the end of 2011.

 

21 Weeks

Wednesday marked the beginning of the twenty-second week of this pregnancy journey. On Thursday, we went in for our ultrasound scan, to make sure everything is as normal as it seems so we can stay on track to have the birth center birth we desire. And no, we didn’t find out the sex. Not even a hint.

As a friend commented, “It’s a face. A gender-neutral face.” And what a great little face it is.

An ultrasound used to be anything but routine. And for first-time parents, it definitely feels a little bit magical. Or even a little deviant, peeking into a previously unknown realm, a deep and private place, and seeing a live and moving picture of this child before it has even opened its eyes to the outside world. With M, I had three ultrasounds. They were fascinating for this very reason. But with Baby X, the whole pregnancy has been a completely different experience.

The few times we’ve heard the heartbeat, baby kicks and moves away. The first visit when we so desperately wanted to hear that little galloping rhythm, baby kept itself hidden from us. I’ve almost gotten to feel like an uninvited guest in my own body. And while baby didn’t seem to mind the ultrasound, I still had a feeling that we were intruding. It was still fascinating, and amazing to see and capture these images, but there was a part of me that felt like I shouldn’t be looking at all.

When my test strip came up positive in August, I was shocked and tentative. We’d only just let our guard down enough to start thinking it wouldn’t be so bad to have another baby soon. It was incredible news, though, and I was very excited. But I was also trying not to count my chickens before they hatched. It was early. Only three weeks along, a barely missed period. Part of me even thought that this was not going to be our time, after all. So I waited for it to be confirmed. To become real.

The dream I had the night before I took the test indicated that this was the baby. This was a child that would stick it out and join our family. I held onto that dream in the back of my mind, underneath all the fear that maybe it wouldn’t be. But even after hearing the heart a few times now and seeing the fluttering beats, the face, the hands, the spine, and feeling the bumps and flips inside, it still doesn’t quite seem real.

I’m fascinated by my changing body, by the fact that this baby has made its presence known in completely different ways from its brother. And that’s the other thing. I have this four-year-old, this big brother in training, whom I’m trying to teach as I listen to him and learn from him along the way. He tugs at me and plants himself in front of my face and demands to be seen, to be heard. And I don’t want to be distracted from him. Though I am.

Recently, our family has settled into a routine where M doesn’t need as much from us as he used to. We can cook, clean, write or read while he plays or amuses himself for a time. We have found our own spaces. With an impending infant, it will all change again, and we’ll need to find ways to make it fall back into place. When we were expecting him, I couldn’t picture the life we’d have with M once he got here. Sometimes I try to picture what we’ll be like when we’re four. Because I know what having a baby is like. I’ve been through it once already. I know that even for all the feedings and diapers and sleep and lack of sleep, a newborn is pretty easy to fit into a life. Or to fit a life around. Another part of me knows that because this pregnancy has already been so different than my last, I might be in for some interesting surprises this spring. I’m trying to be okay with that.

 

How to have a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

• Wake up with yesterday’s headache.
• And the cough your son gave you is worse than the day before.
• Begin mixing up some batter for banana bread and realize you just ate the last egg in the house.
• Enjoy a delicious mid-morning smoothie.
• Throw up delicious smoothie in front of your curious four-year-old.
• Hang some Christmas cards up on the wall, and check the mailbox to see if there are some more.
• Bring in mail, which contains one Christmas card– the one returned to you because you forgot to put a stamp on it.
• Open the letter from the mortgage company and realize you failed to pay last month.
• Cry in front of your computer while trying to explain to your son how you screwed up again, even though you swear you had everything right for once.
• For the first time ever, pee a little bit when you sneeze. And make sure this happens right after you just went to the bathroom.
• Cry some more and change your pants…yes, the pants, too.

How to Get Over Your Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

• Find an egg substitute in the house that makes the banana bread edible.
• Realize that you forgot to pay the mortgage one month, and the world did not end.
• Remember you’re not the first (nor will you be the last) pregnant woman to pee your pants and be thankful that you were in your own home when it happened.
• Have your husband go out and get you exactly what you’re craving for dinner.
• Prayers.
• Lots of hugs from the two most important guys in your life.
• Know that tomorrow has no other option but to be better.

 

20 Weeks

Apparently, at 20 weeks, measurements can be taken head-to-toe instead of crown-to-rump now. So at twenty weeks, we’re talking banana. And at 20 weeks, I mention I’m expecting in April to a customer or random stranger, and they look at me like, “no way.”

So I guess I’m still not showing all that much. Which makes those little baby wiggles and flips I’m feeling even more special. Because they’re still my secret. Part of me wishes that I was showing more than I am. Because I thought that by this point with M, it was pretty obvious. I think we were in Florida at the time, and I had started to sport all my awesome summer maternity shirts. I passed my reflection in a shop window and thought, “Wow, I totally look pregnant.”

Not right now, though. But I totally feel pregnant. I feel like I’m getting a little off balance sometimes. Just a touch awkward in moving myself about. And there’s that tap-tapping from the inside, there. Someone saying hello. It makes me smile every time. Hello, Baby X. I feel you. I know you’re there. I hope that you’re safe and happy and growing well.

 

The Second Child

A few weeks ago, I went into my place of employment on my day off to begin a baby registry.

There are a number of reasons for this, but nowhere among them is the expectation for anyone/everyone I know to go out and buy a baby gift. I just want to make that clear.

I created a baby registry for Baby X because I didn’t know all the same people when I was pregnant with M. I have met so many more amazing folks over the last four years. I’ve formed new friendships. Close relationships that have meant the world to me during all the times I’ve needed them most. I’ve celebrated the news of this pregnancy with these people, who understood how much it was anticipated. And I’ve gotten amazing support. I honestly don’t need or expect anyone to give anything more than what they have and continue to give in that sense. I feel very loved already.

That said, I also understand that giving a gift is often something that people enjoy doing if they have the means. And because I know that not everyone knows what we still have that’s usable from M’s infancy, I made a list of some items we could use new for X.

I also had fun with it, though. I put some things on that list that we absolutely do not need but are nice things that I would really be excited to receive. Some of the items, I fully expect to purchase for myself. Others on the list are just wishes and dreams that would be great if money was no object–fun to think about, but not any sort of realistic expectation.

Another reason that I registered is because part of me figured it would only be fair. This kid is going to have plenty handed down over the course of his/her life that I thought it would be nice, even though a baby won’t know the difference for quite some time, to give X a few things meant just for X instead of filtered down through M’s earlier experiences.

James thought that it was ridiculous of me to register when I first told him I did. But I explained to him the same as here, and he got it. And I wanted to explain it here, too, just to put it out there that really, even if no one got us a thing, we’d be just fine. We truly don’t expect gifts from anyone because we do have so much from our first child and are perfectly capable to provide for the second in our own way. Because I know that sometimes, especially because I work in a baby store and managed to put about 100 things on that list, some might get the impression that we’re asking, that we’re being greedy. Really, it’s just to make it easy to remember the things I’ve seen that I might like to have. To make it easy for those who may have the desire to give a small gift to celebrate a new life with our family.

 

19 Weeks

I think we’re in the “heirloom tomato” week. Baby’s definitely bigger. I can feel it bumping around in there every day. We heard the heartbeat again this week, and we’ll be scheduling the ultrasound in a few days. I’ve been rolling names around in my head, for boys and for girls. I think we’ve settled on middle names, but the first ones have yet to be agreed on. If M had his way, the baby would be called, “Nemo,” when s/he’s born. Yeah, that’s not going to happen, so we’ll see what else we come up with.